The Q Series

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Inspector McHardons Indentikit

INTERIOR OF POLICE CHARGE ROOM. SPIKE PLAYS INSPECTOR MCHARDON. HE WEARS A LOOSE OVERSIZE TRILBY, A KNOCKER OF THE YARD RAINCOAT. BIG MAGNIFYING GLASS, ELASTIC GINGER BEARD UNDER THE CHIN. BOB TODD AS POLICE SERGEANT. SPIKE IS INTERVIEWING A WOMAN. ON A BLACKBOARD THE SERGEANT IS COMPOSING A IDENTIKIT PICTURE. WE ALREADY HAVE HIS HEAD WHICH HAS A HUGE SCARLET WIG.

Spike: So the attacker had a broad forehead and scarlet hair.

THE SERGEANT PUTS BROAD FOREHEAD SECTION ON IDENTIKIT BOARD.

Woman: He had narrow cheekbones.

SPIKE ECHOES EVERY WORD SHE SAYS. THE SERGEANT PUTS NARROW CHEEKBONES ON THE BOARD.

Woman: And a heavy pronounced chin.

Spike: Chin, pronounced C-H-I-N. Right, flash that description the entire length of this street.

IMMEDIATELY A POLICEMAN RUSHES IN WITH A MAN MADE UP EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE IDENTIKIT.

Spike: Such then is the power of modern day police detection and comedy sketch writing.

Woman: That's not him.

Spike: Oooh?

Woman: He was taller.

Spike: Stand on those two phone books.

MAN IMMEDIATELY STANDS ON PHONE BOOKS.

Woman: That's him!

Spike: Fancy the tall ones, eh? I arrest you for standing on these two phone books and posing as the man who originally attacked this woman and left her unsatisfied. I must warn you that anything you say will be taken down and sold to the Daily Mirror at the going rate of £ 1,000 a page. Now under the law you're allowed one phone call.

CRIMINAL DIALS A NUMBER ON THE PHONE ON THE CHARGE DESK. THE PHONE ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE DESK RINGS. SPIKE PICKS IT UP. CRIMINAL INDULGES IN HEAVY BREATHING AND SOTTO VOCE OBSCENITIES ENDING UP WITH 'Knickers with little moth holes in certain places'.

Spike: It's for you, ma'am.

SHE TAKES THE PHONE.

Spike: I'll trace this.

HE STARTS TO FEEL ALONG TELEPHONE LINE, WHICH IS CONNECTED DIRECTLY TO OTHER PHONE.

Criminal: Listen darling - black silk stockings filled with ice cream. And Playtex bra's stuffed with hot sponge pudding. (hangs up)

WOMAN STARTS TO CRY.

Woman: He's hung up.

Spike: Aye, we all have our hang-ups, ma'am, except for those who have them hanging down.

SPIKE HAS NOW ARRIVED AT THE PHONE BEING HELD BY THE CRIMINAL.

Spike: According to this lenght of GPO telephone cable you are the managing director of Obscene Phone Calls Anonymous, a secret organisation devoted to giving old ladies the kiss of life on the telephone after six o'clock when it's cheaper. For this you could go to prison for ninety years - in fact you might even get life.

Criminal: What's the charge?

Spike (produces bugle from pocket): Well, as I remember it, it was-

SPIKE PLAYS BUGLE CHARGE. CUT TO BLACK AND WHITE FILM OF OLD WESTERN SHOWING US CAVALARY CHARGE.

Spike: Yes, another sketch saved by the 14th US Cavalary.