Home Morticians Kit
INTERIOR OF GROTTY ROOM. PLASTIC EVERYTHING. AWFUL DECOR. A WOMAN HOUSWIFE IS HOOVERING. SPIKE, SECOND SALESMAN (LITTLE CHARLIE) AND THIRD SALESMAN PUSH ON A DOOR ON WHEELS. THEY WEAR DOWDY DOOR-TO-DOOR SALESMEN'S SUITS, TRILBY HATS, SOCKS AND BROWN SHOES. SPIKE HAS FINE PENCIL-LINE MOUSTACHE AND SPECTACLES WITH HEAVY FRAMES.
Spike: Ah, this must be the place, Tom.
Charlie: It's my turn to knock.
SPIKE LIFTS UP CHARLIE TO KNOCKER, WOMAN ANSWERS DOOR.
Spike: Good morning, madame, I am Mr. Herbert Scrackle. Me and my partners want to know if you are prepared for any sudden bereavement.
Spike: Good morning, madame...we want to know if you are prepared for any sudden bereavement.
Spike: A near one, dear one, loved one. Or your husband!
Woman: What's bereavement mean, then?
Spike: Well, kick the bucket. Snuff it.
Woman: A stiff?
Spike: Yes, a stiff. If anyone snuffed it in this house, are you ready?
Woman: What you sellin', shovels?
Spike: No, no. Is your `usband in?
Woman (whispers): No, no.
Spike: Could I come in and demonstrate?
Woman: Well, if you're quick.
THEY GO THROUGH DOOR, CARRYING THEIR GOODS.
Spike: Now then, supposin' suddenly, tomorrow, in this delightful settin' one of your loved ones, your `usband, flakes out and snuffs it right there on yer carpet. What would you do?
Woman: Go through `is pockets...
Spike: That's not good enough, madame, think of the neighbours. They wouldn't like to walk in a room and find the wife going frua a dead man's pockets. Oh no. I have here the answer to this delicate problem.
SNAPS FINGERS, AND THIRD SALESMAN STARTS TO UNPACK OR ASSEMBLE THE PORTABLE COLLAPSIBLE LIGHTWEIGHT COFFIN.
Spike: It's the GK L089 Home Coffin Kit. It comes in a wide range of colours to math whichever room the stiff is lying in.
Woman: Looks very nice.
Spike: It is very nice.
Charlie: Yes. It is very nice.
Woman: Why aren't you at school, son?
Spike: Oh, he's a fully grown man but he has the body of a boy of twenty.
WOMAN EXAMINES COFFIN.
Woman: I think this is a bit darft, there's only me `usband in this house and he's young and fit, well he was last night.
Spike: Ah, but it's best to be prepared.
Charlie: It's best to be prepared.
THIRD SALESMAN STARTS TO INFLATE A PLASTIC COLLAPSIBLE CORPSE.
Spike: Yes, you can have this coffin on a modest rental until the sad day occurs. And we throw in free this washable polythene inflatable corpse.
Woman: Ohhh, look at him.
Spike: This way you spend many pleasant hours practising how to lay out your loved one when he snuffs it.
THE WOMAN IS HOLDING THE INFLATED CORPSE.
Woman: Ooh, feels nice.
Spike: Yes, filled with hot water it can make a very comfortable bedfellow on a cold night.
Woman: Ooh, I like him.
Spike: The coffin can also be used as a fireside bath. Or in the garden a paddle pool for the kids. Now this is a pound extra.
SPIKE PRODUCES HANDHELD MICROPHONE.
Woman: Wot is it?
Spike: It's a microphone built into the coffin lid, and it plays back on two speakers. So if your loved one is breathin his larst, you can hear `im in full stereo all over the `ouse. Also there's a tape recorder here, so that those that miss the last gasp can hear a repeat the following night.
Woman (earnest): I don't want to hear his last gasp all round the house.
Spike: Then you...aaaaahhhhh!
HE HAS A HEART ATTACK AND FALLS NEATLY INTO THE COFFIN AND THE LID FALLS IN PLACE.
Charlie: I think we've got a sale, Harry.